I Can't...

I.Miss.You

end.

So sick of believing I am. So I'm

SHUTTING DOWN.

Me now.

Mistakes

Assalamualaikum.

Feeling melancholic tonight. Well, actually more like confused. Yeah, that's it. With what? Everything. Mostly me. I feel like an alien. So bizarre and odd and...words alike.

Tak tahulah kenapa, tapi aku selalu rasa yang dunia ni tak wujud. Yang aku tak wujud. Semua ni cuma dalam kepala otak aku je. Serius. Memang kadang2 bila aku terfikir, aku terpaksa tutup mata dan rasa everything supaya aku boleh yakin aku real. Memang pelik kan?

Dan lagi satu, aku selalu rasa orang boleh baca fikiran aku. Yeah, literally. Bukan figuratively. Aku rasa semua yang aku fikir, orang lain boleh dengar. Macam dalam cerita Jepun 'Satorare' (sila google). Tapi of course lah itu semua tak betul. Aku real dan orang lain tak boleh dengar apa aku fikir. Kalau orang boleh dengar, takdelah orang susah nak faham aku ni macam mana. Dan selalu rasa frust sebab tu. Betul tak?

Dan semua 'pain' yang aku rasa ni terlalu real untuk aku jadi tak real. Faham tak? ><

Memang aku tak macam orang lain. Terlalu lain. Otak aku pun tak sama macam perempuan lain. And even if some can accept that, others just find it too hard to handle. Tapi aku sayang diri aku. Attitude aku, sikap aku. All of it. And mostly, aku macam ni sebab macam mana aku membesar, dan dibesarkan. Ada yang aku tak suka, tapi ada jugak yang aku rasa bersyukur sebab ada.

Aku bukan ulama. Atau ustazah. Walaupun masa belajar UIA, ramai orang doa (cakap) "woah...ustazah la ni." Tapi hakikatnya tak. Parents aku pun bukan ustaz ustazah jugak. Tapi drg dah ajar aku apa yang perlu. Sampai aku boleh fikir sendiri mana baik, mana buruk. Not to say yang aku ni hebat or baik gila dari orang lain. Tak. Aku bnyak sifat buruk.

Masih suka bergosip walaupun selalu rasa berdosa.
Kadang2 bersangka buruk dgn orang.
Selalu fikir yang jahat2 kalau ada benda tak puas hati.
Tolong orang kadang2 sebab terpaksa.
Banyak merungut. Membebel je kerja.
Selalu buat silap, tapi payah nak belajar dari silap tu.
Dan bla. bla. bla.

Aku tahu. Tapi aku tengah berusaha jadi lebih baik. Semua tu, kalau boleh aku nak elakkan. Nak berubah. Bukan sebab orang lain, tapi sebab diri dan Allah. Tapi of course, nak berubah ni mesti susah kan? Sebab kita rasa, semua tu dah sebati dalam diri. Macam habit. Jadi untuk tinggalkan mesti rasa something yang tak kena. Kadang2 terlupa, lepas tu buat balik.

Macam mana nak istiqamah? Mungkin sebab ibadat belum cukup perfect. Yelah, solat cegah kemungkaran. Tapi kalau still buat jugak, maknanya mst ada smtg wrong. ><

Aku selalu fikir pasal mati. Nak2 bila bnyk sgt buat dosa kan. Takut sangat. Macam mana kalau Allah ambil nyawa aku time aku tulis entry ni? Or time tidur nanti? Or esok? Lusa? Takut. Sebab apa? Sebab tau diri tak perfect nak pergi mengadap Allah. Rasa malu.

Belum cukup dan takkan cukup berbakti pada mak ayah.
Dengan kawan2 pun macam selalu terasa hati.
Apatah lagi dengan strangers.
Hubungan dengan manusia tak betul lagi.
Padahal itu yang paling penting.

Mana lagi bagus? Tak tahu bila nak mati? Atau tahu? Jawapannya sama. Dua2 ada pros and cons. Tapi kalau tahu, ramai la orang yang berpusu2 nak buat ibadat bnyk2 kan? Manusia.

Nah, entry penuh pnyesalan sebab tak boleh tidur sebab rasa bersalah sebab sesuatu yang tak dapat diketahui. Selamat malam.

I.A.

Tired and other disasters.

Assalamualaikum readers.

I'm tired and exhausted. I'm moving to a new house tomorrow, (which I only knew in such short notice) and the whole process is really taking its toll on me. With my work and all. But I believe in doing the best I can to make sure I complete my 'amanah' - in this case; my work. So, regardless of how busy or tired I am, I will get it done. Even if I have to sleep way past 3 a.m in the morning and sometimes not sleep at all.

It doesn't help that I feel like something is wrong with my relationship with other people. So in the past few days, I've been screaming (literally) while I'm doing my work, punching the table, eating lesser than I usually do (though this one might be a good thing, hehe) sending out false smiles, and constantly holding back the tears - when I suddenly think about it.

I am bad at managing what to feel and what not to feel. In short, I just feel too much, over-think a lot. and feeling bad over so many things. And most of the times, when I'm feeling drained like right now, I'd always feel compelled to write poems. Hence, 8 poems in 5 days.

In all truth, I am trying my best. To what? I don't know, trying my best to get through it all I guess. It's hard. Really really hard. But I know I can get through it because I had gone through something even worse. And I believe - again - that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that's enough for me to feel better. Stat!

I.A

Things that look simple but BIG

Assalamualaikum. Yes, there are times when we feel like that. "Just quietly hating" someone or something. Especially if you're a coward like me. Why coward? Because I can never show someone I hate what they're doing. Because I have this heart that are just so damn soft. So soft that an intolerable hatred or anger I feel can disappear in matter of seconds just by seeing that person's face. It's happened to me countless times.

Can't say I hate this particular trait of mine. If anything, I feel glad. Because I know, no matter how bad I think I am, at least I would never shout to someone else. I'll try the best I could not to offend someone. Say thank you where necessary. And smile to even strangers. Because I'm just like that.

And likewise, when I do something good, I don't expect anything much, just some recognition. Like if I hold the door for someone, or help move something out of someone's way, etc...

I do get that sometimes, and feel so happy. Other times, people don't bother. And just like that, when someone offend me, I would like him or her to apologise. No, I'm not being cocky or proud. But let me explain. They say that negative feelings can be contagious. And I agree. Have you ever seen you friends pulling a face on you because of some reasons that you don't even know? Yes. How do you feel? You feel bad either. 

So when you feel bad, you tend to think about nasty stuff. Or worse, actually saying those nasty stuff out loud. Tak pasal2 buat dosa kering kan. Tetiba keluar BM haha. Sebab aku tak tahu dosa kering dalam BI apa. Dry sin??? -_-"

Anyhoo, my point is, if that someone who hurts your feelings actually say something or do something to show he or she is sorry, then maybe you can keep all those nasty things from coming out of your mouth. 

For example, yesterday, while I was out with my mom, there was this car that switched to our lane at the last minute. Good thing my mom was quick to hit the brakes. We were both about to...yes - say nasty things, when all of a sudden, the guy literally opened his door, and waved at us with an awkward smile. Obviously feeling apologetic by what he had just did. And both of us automatically stopped saying anything else bad. Instead we said, "nasib baik dia lambai, kalau tak dah kutuk tadi." :P

See what I mean? His gesture was simple; he didn't even need to say "I'm sorry." But a simple gesture could avoid such big things. That, ladies and gentlemen, is my point. ^^

So next time, when you feel bad about something just smile. And if you think you did something bad, apologise. You have nothing to lose. 

P/s: No, he didn't open his door while he was driving. We stopped at a traffic light. -_-" 

I.A

A Short Meeting

Assalamualaikum muslimin dan muslimat sekalian. Sila jawab salam. :)

Time for another entry. Dah lama sebenarnya aku nak buat entry ni tapi masa tak ada. Actually, masa tu ada, tapi more like sendiri sebabkan masa tu berlalu bagaikan angin sepoi-sepoi.

What the...

Anyhoo, back to the main point. Ceritanya, on Monday 3rd November, aku kelua jejalan ngan besties Yatie and Adeq. Aceli beberapa minggu sebelumnya kitorang dah try plan nak jejalan sesama on 1st November, tapi memandangkan masing2 dah busy, jadi nak set time, dan semua orang cukup memang tak dapatlah. So kami cancel kan. Tak ada rezeki nak jumpa.

Tapi on Sunday night, my friend tanya aku nak keluar tak. Dorang nak ke UIA tercinta sebab nak settle hal untuk smbung master. Then kitorang bolehlah lepak2. So aku pun memandangkan tak ada kerja...

Wait...siapa percaya memang lurus sangat.

Of course la aku ada kerja, tapi aku dengan suka hati jiwa raga penuh buah, tetap keluar jugak. Ngehe. Sebab aku pikir, bila lagi nak jumpa drg. Tapi rasa berdosa tu memang menggunung. Why? Yalah, kerja boleh pulak tangguh2. Tak baik.

So yeah, story short, esoknya pergilah kami ke UIA. Woah, lain sikit tempat tu sekarang. Aku susah nak cam. Tapi yang penting, keris tu memang tak cantik. Tapi fountain dulu lagi cantik kot. Kbai. Dan aku dah tak ingat lagi jalan nak ke bilik lecturer. Macamlah sebelum ni aku ingat. -_-"

Dapat jugaklah jumpa kawan2 lama, tapi berapa kerat je pun. Anyhoo, after that, kitorang terus shoot ke KL Festival. Katanya masing2 nak makan kat Korea...ngeh. Jadi pergilah kami ke Seoul Garden. Sebenarnya, aku tak berapa suka makan jenis steamboat ni, sbb aku makan sikit. Konon. Jadi, untuk restoran yang bayar, then eat-all-you-want ni, macam membazir gila-gila untuk aku.

Dan seperti biasalah, time tgh lapar macam anak singa tu, aku ambik makanan tak ingat dunia, jadiknya, still berlaku juga pembaziran. Rugi, tak ada set bayi.

Dan, yalah, kalau dengan kawan2 aku ni, tak bergambar sakan mmg tak sah. So kitorang pun snap la bebanyak. First time tgk orang pakai monopod live. So agak jakun sket kat situ. Ngahaha~
These are some of them:

At UIA. Yeah, sempat lagi time tgh sibuk2 tu.

I took this one. She liked it. haha.

Big smiles. :)

Like this one!

Posing semua sama je walaupun tukar tempat. Meh~

So yeah, banyak jugak snap, tapi masalahnya semuanya posing sama dan muka je lain2. -_-"
Tapi ada gak satu kejadian kelakar. Well, aku lah yang kelakarnya. Aku duduk kat sebelah adeq (tudung bunga2) kat bahagian luar. Time tengah duduk sibuk makan tu, ttibe dia nak pi amek aiskrim. Sitting dia tu kan jenis yang orang duduk bahagian luar kena bangun supaya orang duduk kat dalam boleh keluar. Lihat gambar ni:

Aku sempat amek gmba nak tunjuk bukti. HAHA.

Aku duduk kat situ, dan dengan konfidennye, aku ingatkan sit aku tu panjang sambung dgn sit sebelah. Aku pun slide jela nak keluar. Jadinya apa lagi, jatuh terduduklah aku kat lantai. Baik punya aku terjerit skit... Dan seperti biasalah, kalau kawan terbaik ni, memang akan gelak dulu baru tolong kan? Tapi kawan2 aku ni terbaik dia lebih sket. Dorang gelak je, tp langsung tak tolong. Cis! Tapi sebab aku cepat2 terus bangun. Malu siot. Even though time tu tak ramai orang. Kahkah!

Tapi dahsyat betol lah dorang gelak time tu. Memang macam tak ingat dunia. Termasuklah aku sekali. HEH. So anyway, bila aku nak bayar balik pada Adeq lepas tu, dia kata dorang belanja aku sempena aku bertunang. Awww so sweet la you guys! I love you guys so much! And hope dapat lepak sesama lagi.

Anyhoo, that was all. Terubat rindu jugak even tak onnie tak ada. ><"

xoxo
I.A.

We're no Superman

So many times have I felt that maybe I'm not human. I say I don't care when all I do is care too much. I say I'm okay but deep inside I feel like I can explode at any moment. I do things to show people I am strong, but damn, I'm not.

How ironic. The things that make me feel like I'm not human are the things that show I am.

Am I strong? People say I am. And though I would love to believe them, I know I'm not. Saying I am would be a big lie. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not being strong. I'm not Superman; I'm not obliged to be strong, nor that I am to be shock-proof.

But maybe we are not meant to be strong. Imagine what the world would be like if there are just too many strong people. No heartache, no worries, no pain, no misery. Everything would just be wrong and all over the place. Regardless, that doesn't mean we can't be. We can turn it on if we want to. If our will is strong. But how many of you can proudly say you're going to be strong and actually try to be?

Don't lie. Bad things that happened to us never really go away. They stay with us and follow us everywhere we go. It's just hiding for a moment. There is no such thing as moving on. Just when you think you've accepted it, embraced it, and forgotten about it, but when someone points it back to you, that pain will come back in your head like a raging river. And you know it.

Because that is what is happening to me. But...

If you're not strong then how are you still here? Still going about your day as if nothing had happened. Yes, the pain is still there, but you're holding on. And that is proof that you are trying.

I.A.

The things that are hard to explain

Assalamualaikum everyone,

Phew, it's been one hectic week. But let that be a story for another time okay? Yes, I'm still recovering. I have been trying to sneeze all day. And my brain hurts. Yes, my brain. :P

There's so much to tell. But I'm an unorganised person. Those of you who know me, will understand. If you are given the privilege to go on a tour in my brain, then you'd be lost forever. Things are all over the place, without time and date. Without labels and...I have to say, importance.

So I'm gonna start with the first thing I wanted to do since last week - to write this entry.

Has anyone ever asked you to describe yourself? Of course. I bet everyone had been asked that at least once. In my case, lots of times. And every time I hear that question, I'll go blank. Everything I know (or at least I thought I do) about myself will disappear. I'll stutter and stammer. I had to take a moment to think. And there were even times when I don't even know what to say.

And that is odd, because how can you not know who you are? A question so easy shouldn't be so difficult to answer. A two-word question; so simple and so straightforward. So why?

The thing is, for me, though that question seems easy, it's the toughest question I could ever answer. Yes, I don't know who I am. And if I did answer the question, I'm not actually describing myself, but only the person I wish to be.

Have you noticed when people ask you that question, some of the answers would almost always include; "People say...bla, bla, bla..."

'People say...people say...' hum...does that mean they know us better than we know ourselves? Perhaps.

And though I have lived for 25 years and 4 months, I still have no idea who I am. The best answer I could come up with would just be - 'I'm just me.'

And recently, I came across an article written by Kovie Biakolo. His article made me raised my eyebrows. I was fazed at his accuracy of describing why people, (or at least for me) who are used to be by themselves, are the way they are . The title of his article is '17 things to expect when you date a girl who's used to being on her own.' Here's the link.

But I think, it's not just for guys. For me, I think they apply to everyone around me. Why I am how I am regardless of who the person is.

So I hope you'd understand that this is me. And that I can't say otherwise.

I.A.

Please Don't

I've walked far. I've reached so much. I've loved everything and everyone. And also lost some.

I used to promise myself I will never cry again. I want to be happy. I have spent so many years buried in tears. Almost drowned at one point. But I don't want to be too happy either because there will always come something bad and wash it all away. Almost always like that.

Yes. I am afraid. I have lived in fear...all my life. The fear that is so strong that sometimes I couldn't help crying in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, just because I was suddenly reminded of my past when I'm trying to sleep.
Then I had to apologise to myself for giving in.

I told myself, no more. But who am I to deny God's plan for me. I do believe He gives me tests to see how I would react. He loves me. He gives me such fragile heart so I won't be as cold as ice. He made me so sensitive to the outside world so that I would be safe.

But I am like a cracked plate. At one glance, I seem strong and able to hold myself from breaking. But at another glance, just one push would break me.

So please handle me with care.

I.A.

I'm like a...

If I need to describe how I am right now, I would say...

I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, and it would only take one horrible moment to shove me down.

I'm like a piece of paper, right next to a burning candle. And I can bursts into flame in a matter of seconds. 

I'm like a little cube of ice. Left out in the hot air. And I would disappear when you're not looking. 

I'm like a love song. The kind that you can hear all day when you're in love. But you would hate when you're not.

I'm like air. I can be seen but unseen.

I.A.

Post-Raya Stories Part 2

Assalamualaikum, everyone!

Yeah, so the other day, I promised to continue my Raya Stories aite? (tak adalah janji pun, saje je). Well, baru la ni, ada kesempatan nak complete kan. Anyhoo, ceritanye xadalah sgt, but the pics are a lot! without further ado, here they are.

Ini my family. My mum anak sulung. I'm the one in red. That's my lil' brother Shah,
and my lil' sis Nana. Abang aku tak ada coz dia keje. Kesian dia. 

These are my mom's siblings, merangkap pakcik makcik aku.
Yang tengah tu my dearest opah. :)

Ini family adik mak aku yg 2nd. Aku panggil dia makngah.
Nampak pemalu, tp klu bukak mulut dia sgt funny. haha.

Ini plak family pakcik aku, adik mak aku yang ke 3. Aku panggil Abi.
Dia ni tak payah cakap la, kalau buat lawak, mmg gelak tak cukup nafas. haha.

This is adik my mom yang ke 5. Aunty yang aku paling rapat sekali.
I call her maklang. Dia sgt fun and kelakar. Sama la jgk macam
husband dia tu, mmg sporting gila.

And this is my last aunt. Adik bongsu my mom. I call her, maksu obviously.
hehe. Rapat jugak ngn dia. Dia sgt kelakar, and sporting. Memang fun lah.
Tp paksu aku tu, tak banyak ckp sgt. TT

Okay, mesti korang tertanya mana nombor 4? haha, aku ada makcik lg sorang, tp aku pun baru perasan gmbar family dia takdak. Tak dapat intro sini. But in the first pic, she's in red tudung.

Moving on.

So these are all my cousie. 4 orang tak ada.
Front: Ajim, Icha, Awyn & Aina
Centre: Nadia, Nana, Opah, Me & Dayana
 Back: Shah, Basyar, Solihin, Danial, Fizudin, Firdaus & Aiman
Not in the Pic: My brother Syafiq, Zhafri, Raika & Rifki.

Groufie with cousie. Yeah, aku sgt rapat dgn cousins aku. 

And yes, family aku sgt suka bergambar. Pantang nampak camera.
Banyak lg gmbar tp ini je yang aku pilih. :)

Tiap kali raya, mesti ada gmbar style macam bajet celebrity.
hahaha. Ada byk gmba, but I love this one. :)

So yeah, basically that's all there is to it. I love them all. For me, family is the greatest thing. So treasure it wherever you go, wherever you are. 

Yang tak ada tu, aku letak later lah. Kena cari gambar. :)

Okay, so that's all!

I.A.

Next Time.

Kertas

as far as the wind will take me.

Assalamualaikum ya sahabi.

Lama aku tak berwarkah disini. Dan aku cuma menulis ini pun sebab aku tak boleh tidur. Hati rasa tak sedap. Tak tenang. Mungkin ada dimana2 silap aku dengan Allah ataupun manusia.

Mungkin itu sebabnya aku takut nak rasa gembira. Sebab hampir setiap kali aku gembira, pasti akan ada dugaan datang. Tapi jangan salah sangka, tak bermakna aku tidak mensyukuri nikmat kegembiraan itu sewaktu ia datang.

Jujurnya, memang aku terasa sedih. Sedih tentang apa? jika bersedih itu pastilah ada dugaannya. Wah, Allah masih sayangi aku, dan itu buktinya. Diberikan aku dugaan setinggi...oh, taklah setinggi mana. Kecil saja berbanding orang lain di luar sana.

Tapi, oleh kerana kita yang mengalaminya, kita rasakan yang dugaan itu tersangat berat. Cuma didalam dunia kita sajalah.

Aku pernah terbaca satu kata-kata: "Allah tidak marah kita ingat akan Dia sewaktu susah. Tetapi Allah marah jika kita lupakan Dia sewaktu Dia sudah kurniakan kesenangan pada kita selepas itu." Ayatnya lebih kurang begitulah.

Dan entah kenapa, aku terasa. Yalah, siapa makan cili dia terasa pedasnya.

Memang setiap kali aku dalam kesusahan, aku akan mencariNya. Tapi bila aku senang, aku ketawa sampai lalai. Pastinya aku tidak solo dalam hal ini kan? ><

Macam mana nak tabahkan hati? kalau ujian yang sikit pun tak boleh tahan? Allah takkan uji hambaNya jika mereka tak dapat menanganinya kan.

Aku perasan, aku sangat suka tersenyum. Tapi aku benci diri sendiri, sebab dalam hati aku menangis. Hipokrit sungguh! Ramai orang kata, mereka yang paling gembiralah paling sedih. Contohnya, badut Pagliacci. Google lah siapa dia. Ataupun, mendiang Robin Williams yang kita semua kenali melalui filem2 dia yang kelakar.

Dan mereka ini selalunya sangat 'fragile.' Bila-bila masa boleh putus asa. Jangan risau, InsyaAllah, aku tidak begitu. Itu gunanya ada Agama dan Iman. Tapi, tidak bermakna Iman aku setinggi gunung juga.
><

Dan, kadang-kadang, orang yang aku sakiti pun boleh buat aku rasa sedih. Dalam tahun ni je, ramai yang aku lukakan. Siapa mereka, tak perlu tahu. Tapi ketahuilah, semua yang berlaku tu, aku langsung tak jangka akan berlaku.

Typical. Bila sesuatu yang buruk berlaku, maka akan keluarlah ayat "aku tak berniat nak..." jawapan selamat, sebab taknak bertanggungjawab kan.

Tapi, itu juga yang aku takutkan. Takut jika, walaupun aku sudah meminta maaf, dan kononnya semua sudah selesai, tapi dalam hati hanya Allah yang tahu. Macam mana kalau mereka masih belum maafkan aku seikhlasnya? Macam mana takdir aku di alam sana nanti? itu yang aku sedihkan.

Tapi. Ah...tapi lagi. Penuh alasan aku ni. Normal.

Tak apalah. apa yang penting, bila diuji, jangan cepat melatah, dan marah2. Sifat syaitan laknatullah tu semua. Bila marah, kalau tak ada benda yang baik2 untuk diucapkan, diam saja. Tapi jangan tunjuk melalui kelakuan pulak.

Satu entry yang penuh perasaan. Utk pagi ini. Semoga Allah kuatkan aku menghadapi ujian pada waktu ini dan di masa akan datang. Aaamin.

p/s: agak2 kenapa tajuk aku 'kertas'?

I.A.

SHORT

Sometimes I wish I could just stare at the wide open ocean for hours and hours without a single word with the one I love. 

Or maybe just at the night sky. That would be perfect. :)

Raya Stories and 1 Unfortunate Event

Assalamualaikum abang, kakak, adik yang comel.

Sedar tak sedar hari ni dah masuk raya ke 6. Rasanya baru je macam semalam kita sambut ramadan. Memang betul lah masa sekarang cepat je berlalu.

So, seperti biasalah, tiap kali waktu raya, mesti akan ada entry pasal raya. jangan la boring. Kalau boring, maap. :P

Cut the story short, my family and I went back to our hometown at Sayong, Kuala Kangsar on the night of 25th July. Bertolak dalam pukul 12:40 a.m. dan sampai pukul 6:30 pagi. Jalan tak payah cakap lah, memang jammed gila. Kalau tak 3 jam boleh smpai. Dan biasalah, orang Malaysia punya prihatin dia, sampai orang ramai parking tepi highway pun nak tgk. Sampai jam jadinya! *sigh*

Anyhoo, memang aku sgt suka time Hari Raya coz dapat kumpul2 ramai2 dgn sedara mara. Tidur bergelimpangan kat ruang tamu. The best feeling, ketawa, gelak ramai2. Nak2 makcik pakcik aku semuanya sporting tahap macam kawan2. Serius. Ada jugak la soklan bila nak kawin yang diterima. Seperti biasa aku akan senyum macam kerang busuk ja. haha.

So, raya 1st, macam biasa, lepas smyg raya, semua dah siap2 dgn baju raya, kitorang mulakan sesi bersalam-salaman, mintak maaf, bagi duit raya...

Lepas tu, sesi bergambar pulak. Memang macam2 stail posing yang ada lah.haha. Dah macam glamer kejap sbb bnyk camera yang snap. Lepas dah bergambar, dah settle bdk2 beraya semua, ktrg gerak pg rumah jiran2 yang juga sedara aku.

Tahun ni, tahun pertama aku tak dapat duit raya. Yes, aku dah tua. -_-"

2nd Raya, bersiap2 lagi pergi pulak ziarah saudara mara yang jauh sikit. Sikit jelah. Tapi tahun ni tak bnyk sgt rumah yang pergi. I think sbb cuaca yang panas macam mengurangkan semangat nak jalan jauh2 kot. hehe.

Ada satu kejadian menyedihkan jgk time raya ni. My aunt yang aku pggil maklang, dia bawak kucing dia sekali, nama MJ. Kaler hitam putih. Faham? heheh. Mula2 igt Micheal Jackson, tp bila tersedar yg dia tu adalah betina, jadilah, Mary Jane. hahaha. Tapi kesian kat MJ ni coz dia kene infection kt hidung. nak tgk pun tak boleh sbb klu aku tgk mesti akan rasa nak nangis. Hidung dia mcm bengkak dan berdarah, makin lama makin teruk. Bernafas pun berbunyi.

Drg dah bwk pg klinik tp doktor kata kene pg swasta. So masa 2nd Raya, my aunt akan ke rumah mentua dia pulak. Dapat call dari dia. Dia pg ipoh, ke klinik bawak MJ. Dan dapat berita MJ dah di put down. Semua org yang dengar macam tak percaya. Aku pun. Sebab baru je malam sebelum tu aku belai2 MJ atas sofa masa dia tidur. Esoknya dah tak ada.

Doktor kata nak ubatkan boleh, but it takes a very long time to heal, and she will suffer. So my aunt tak mahu dia suffer. She couldn't even bring herself to ask the vet if she had suffered all these time. Coz she was afraid she might not like the answer. Doktor kata dia kena virus Cryptococcosis, I think. Sebab aku cuma igt crypto, so aku google dapat yg tu. Mmg bahaya.

Semua family dia sedih. Masa time nak buat tu, my aunt keluarkan dia dari cage one last time. And MJ walked towards each one of my aunt's family members as if saying goodbye and thank you. As if she knew that that would be the last time. Aku dengar pun sedih gila. Apatah lagi drg. And aku pun ada experience tgk kucing aku Tia mati dulu yg aku baru dpt jumpa 4 hari sbb belajar, and I cried so bad. I hope they are in a better place.

Weh, ini entry Raya kan? apsal citer sedih? walaweh...dah lah, bye. Sambung nanti, tak tahan sedih. :P

I.A.

I Hope the Dream Lasts Forever

I'm living in a dream...a good kind of dream.

A dream that you know is real.

Never once I thought I would be here. 

But here I am. Just like how He had planned.

Lots of feelings. Happy, scared, unsure, sure, crazy, ridiculous, amazed...

Mostly I'm scared. Scared that I might not be able to do everything.
Scared that I could be paralysed.

But we are not meant to be perfect.

I hope the dream lasts forever.
As long as you're here with me.

I.A

Kids and other Beautiful Disasters

Assalamualaikum lovers!

Yosh! Here I am once again. So yeah, I've completed Gelap Part 4 a few days ago after a two months hiatus. Ahaks!

Nampaknya aku mmg sgt busy sebab klu tak kerana cerita tu, aku takkan tulis benda2 lain seperti yang aku selalu buat masa bnyk masa dulu. Dulu, setiap hari, or at least once every one week mesti akan ada post. Takpun setiap sebulan. Things change laa...hehe

Tapi aku still disini. Writing and writing until my hand hurts. Besides, that's the only thing I know how to do. Enough about that.

Oh, so nak cerita pasal time aku jadi babysitter dearest cousins. Pergh...satu benda je aku nak cakap, jaga anak ni mmg sgt mencabar both kepada minda dan fisikal. Tengok makcik aku jelah, sangat kuat macam superwoman! Dengan anak2nya yang tersangatlah nakal. Sampai aku pun yang cinta dan kasih pada kanak-kanak pun rasa nak gila. haha...

Satu pengajaran bagi aku, nak jadi mak adalah sgt besar tanggungjawabnya. Jadi isteri lagilah pulak. Will I ever be a good mother? hurm..hehe. Anyhoo, ada lah beberapa kisah kelakar time aku kat sana. Aceli banyak tapi memori aku ni ada masalah sket. TT

Ada one time tu, kazen aku dok smbang pasal apa ntah, tapi ttibe muncul nama Rozita Che Wan. Haha. So aku pun saja tanyalah kazen aku umur 6 tahun, Raiqa, cantik sgt ke dia tu? dia kata cantik!! macam Barbie. hurm...so aku procede dengan tanya dia:

"Ika, siapa lagi cantik, kak Ira ke Rozita Che Wan?" 

Ye, aku mmg suka tanya soklan camni.haha. Jawapan dia takleh blah.

"Um...mestilah kak ira."

Patutnya mmg aku rasa terharu kan, tapi apa makna hesitation awal2 tu? ><" so aku cakaplah:

"Ala, Ika just nak sedapkan hati kak Ira je kan."

So, expectation yang dia akan cakap ialah: "Taklah, betul kak Ira lagi cantik."

Tapi sayangnya, realitinya dia cakap: "Yela, mestilah kena sedapkan hati Kak Ira, kita kan keluarga."

Sampai hati kau nak. Haha...walaupun sekali imbas mcm aww sweetnye, tapi mcm ada makna tersurat. haha...but it's kind of sweet la jgk.haha.

Ada lagi one time, aku bersiap-siap nak keluar, lepas habis siap, dia senyum dengan sangat manis dan jerit kat aku:

"Kak Ira! Kak Ira nampak macam Barbie la!!" Yang ni aku tau dia ikhlas. hahaa. Suka beno dia dengan Barbie.

Raiqa ni mulut dia mcam mak nenek. Mmg asyik bercakap je. Dia cuma diam bila dah tidur. Tapi itupun mesti mengigau. ><" But now I miss her rants.

Salah satu rant dia, aku tanya pasal spiderman. Dia tetibe cakap:

"Kak Ira tau tak spiderman tu tipu je, yang benda dia kluakan tu cuma tali, lepas tu drg sapu dengan gam uhu nak bagi lekat-lekat."

Buahahaha! aku gelak gila2 time tu sbb tak expect lgsung dia nak ckp camtu. Dengan konfiden lak tu, sampai aku pun hampir percaya. haha. So aku procede tanya pasal Thor. Dia jawab.

"Thor tu pulak dia punya tukul tu dibuat daripada kotak je, kalau terbang2 tu orang yang baling kat dia."

Hahaha...aduh...aku tanya pulak pasal Hulk.

"Hulk tu kan Kak Ira, sebelum pergi depan kamera, orang cat-cat badan dia dengan kaler hijau." 

Huahua...mmg time tu aku gelak sampai senak perut. Me dear Raiqa. Sangat lawak. haha.. I miss her a lot!!

Anyhoo, mcm2 lagi la kejadian lawak, klu aku senarai, sampai bila tak habis. So dahlah. That's all for now!

I.A.

Hey!

bukan aku la tapi. aku tak addicted. aku terpaksa. hehe... TT

Assalamualaikum beautiful creatures!

Oh my...lama sungguh tak bukak blog ni. Entry pon ntah kemana skang. Al-maklum lah, 2 bulan ni aku agak busy jd babysitter. Dan kerja pun berlambak. So kena la prioritise. Dan lgpun, bila jadi babysitter ni, klu nak menulis tu agak payah, sebab bdk2 tu kejap nak tu nak ni. Okay, aku bkn nak citer pasal perihal aku jadi babysitter. haha..salah topic plak.

Anyhoo, aku sorry sgt2, sbb blom dpt buat Gelap Part 4. Tak sempat nak menulis lg. Yelah, sebabnya sudah aku terangkan di atas.

Tp sekarang aku dah balik umah, so privacy tu dah kembali. Jadi, kalau tak ada aral, dan diizinkan Allah, nnt aku sambung Part 4 ye kawan2. Hum, lama sgt dah tinggal cerita tu, aku dah tak igt kisahnya hahaha.. kidding. hehe.

Btw, sebenarnya aku tak sgka gak ada org baca cerita merepek aku tu...haha. That's why aku take time suka hati jiwa raga aku je nk wat bebila. hehe..maaf again!

So, yeah, nnt aku sambung. Tapi not this week or next week, sebab kerja aku masih ada. So tgh busy lg. Don't worry, aku akan sambung yea anak-anak sekalian. hehe..

Orite. Signing off.

I.A.

Stranger

Assalamualaikum.

Hi strangers. It is already March. Rasanya baru je semalam aku lihat Januari. To be exact, I've only seen 2012 yesterday. A bit exaggerated but it's the truth nonetheless. Betul lah masa ni berlalu makin cepat bila kita tak pandang. Tapi bila kita pandang, rasa lambat. Kan?

Tak terlambat agaknya nak bicara pasal azam. Azam baru aku? Sama je macam tahun-tahun yang lepas. Tapi masih tak tercapai lagi. Jadi bawak ke depan dan ke depan dan ke depan. Sampai bila pun aku tak tahu.

And me? Well, 2013 had made me a different person. Well, to be honest, each years, I change into a different one. Those who say people never change are wrong. Look at yourself, I mean really look. You'll see what I mean. But of course, you will either change into one of only two things; good, or bad. But under those two things, there are lots of other things.

Aku ada terbaca re-tweet seseorang kat timeline aku, she said, "why are strangers kinder than people I've known for a long time." They're in my own words, since I'm not really good at remembering things I didn't pay close attention to. But close.

Back to the point, so, aku teringin nak reply tweet dia. Tapi aku tak kenal dia, so it would've been awkward. Tapi, aku jawab kat sinilah, bagi aku sebenarnya, kalau tengok closely ayat dia (in this case ayat aku tuh) korang akan nampak jawapannya, terang-terang dia bagi sendiri.

Amazing, the answer lies amidst the question.

Pada korang-korang yang minat philosophy, or just happen to love using your brain to think about the world, mesti korang akan tahu apa maksud aku. To those who don't, I suggest you think far away.... from the box.

To me, the fact that she thinks strangers are nicer (dari orang yang dia DAH kenal lama) is precisely the point. Maksudnya, perangai manusia akan keluar sikit demi sedikit makin lama kita kenal rapat dengan orang tu. Masa stranger, memang lah nampak kebaikan. Not saying that all strangers are bad or fake or whatever. I'm just saying, that maybe they're kinder because you don't know them. See what I mean?

If you feel somewhat offended by what I just said, please don't. I know that there are people out there who are genuinely good regardless of how long you've known them. But will they stay the same? That, I'm not quite sure. And that, is my point.

Well, that's pretty much all I have to say.

I.A

A Little Wonder

It has been a while since I wrote my last entry. Well, it's already 2014. Nothing much happened during these few months. Then again, interesting things rarely happen to me now that I am no longer a passionate student of an academic institution. Regardless...

25. Yes, the number 25. It's coming. This year. In a few months. Though I believe and hold it close in my heart that age is just a word, nevertheless, the word haunts me still.

I could still remember clear as day, the other times when my head had thought about the same thing. But different in way. 20, 21, 23...and so forth.

Some great people have done unimaginably, remarkable great things. And I? I've done nothing worth mentioning to anyone in the world. Nothing at all. And that scares me a lot. When I am finally chosen to leave this now scary little big world, what will people remember about me?

Have I given a great impact to anyone? Anyone?

Will people keep mentioning my name and all the good things I have done when I am no longer amongst the living? I fear. I fear that everything I have done and am doing would not be enough in the eyes of my Maker.

But as long as I still have my breath, I will strive to make myself worthy. InsyaAllah.