Please Don't

I've walked far. I've reached so much. I've loved everything and everyone. And also lost some.

I used to promise myself I will never cry again. I want to be happy. I have spent so many years buried in tears. Almost drowned at one point. But I don't want to be too happy either because there will always come something bad and wash it all away. Almost always like that.

Yes. I am afraid. I have lived in fear...all my life. The fear that is so strong that sometimes I couldn't help crying in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, just because I was suddenly reminded of my past when I'm trying to sleep.
Then I had to apologise to myself for giving in.

I told myself, no more. But who am I to deny God's plan for me. I do believe He gives me tests to see how I would react. He loves me. He gives me such fragile heart so I won't be as cold as ice. He made me so sensitive to the outside world so that I would be safe.

But I am like a cracked plate. At one glance, I seem strong and able to hold myself from breaking. But at another glance, just one push would break me.

So please handle me with care.

I.A.