We're no Superman

So many times have I felt that maybe I'm not human. I say I don't care when all I do is care too much. I say I'm okay but deep inside I feel like I can explode at any moment. I do things to show people I am strong, but damn, I'm not.

How ironic. The things that make me feel like I'm not human are the things that show I am.

Am I strong? People say I am. And though I would love to believe them, I know I'm not. Saying I am would be a big lie. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not being strong. I'm not Superman; I'm not obliged to be strong, nor that I am to be shock-proof.

But maybe we are not meant to be strong. Imagine what the world would be like if there are just too many strong people. No heartache, no worries, no pain, no misery. Everything would just be wrong and all over the place. Regardless, that doesn't mean we can't be. We can turn it on if we want to. If our will is strong. But how many of you can proudly say you're going to be strong and actually try to be?

Don't lie. Bad things that happened to us never really go away. They stay with us and follow us everywhere we go. It's just hiding for a moment. There is no such thing as moving on. Just when you think you've accepted it, embraced it, and forgotten about it, but when someone points it back to you, that pain will come back in your head like a raging river. And you know it.

Because that is what is happening to me. But...

If you're not strong then how are you still here? Still going about your day as if nothing had happened. Yes, the pain is still there, but you're holding on. And that is proof that you are trying.

I.A.

The things that are hard to explain

Assalamualaikum everyone,

Phew, it's been one hectic week. But let that be a story for another time okay? Yes, I'm still recovering. I have been trying to sneeze all day. And my brain hurts. Yes, my brain. :P

There's so much to tell. But I'm an unorganised person. Those of you who know me, will understand. If you are given the privilege to go on a tour in my brain, then you'd be lost forever. Things are all over the place, without time and date. Without labels and...I have to say, importance.

So I'm gonna start with the first thing I wanted to do since last week - to write this entry.

Has anyone ever asked you to describe yourself? Of course. I bet everyone had been asked that at least once. In my case, lots of times. And every time I hear that question, I'll go blank. Everything I know (or at least I thought I do) about myself will disappear. I'll stutter and stammer. I had to take a moment to think. And there were even times when I don't even know what to say.

And that is odd, because how can you not know who you are? A question so easy shouldn't be so difficult to answer. A two-word question; so simple and so straightforward. So why?

The thing is, for me, though that question seems easy, it's the toughest question I could ever answer. Yes, I don't know who I am. And if I did answer the question, I'm not actually describing myself, but only the person I wish to be.

Have you noticed when people ask you that question, some of the answers would almost always include; "People say...bla, bla, bla..."

'People say...people say...' hum...does that mean they know us better than we know ourselves? Perhaps.

And though I have lived for 25 years and 4 months, I still have no idea who I am. The best answer I could come up with would just be - 'I'm just me.'

And recently, I came across an article written by Kovie Biakolo. His article made me raised my eyebrows. I was fazed at his accuracy of describing why people, (or at least for me) who are used to be by themselves, are the way they are . The title of his article is '17 things to expect when you date a girl who's used to being on her own.' Here's the link.

But I think, it's not just for guys. For me, I think they apply to everyone around me. Why I am how I am regardless of who the person is.

So I hope you'd understand that this is me. And that I can't say otherwise.

I.A.

Please Don't

I've walked far. I've reached so much. I've loved everything and everyone. And also lost some.

I used to promise myself I will never cry again. I want to be happy. I have spent so many years buried in tears. Almost drowned at one point. But I don't want to be too happy either because there will always come something bad and wash it all away. Almost always like that.

Yes. I am afraid. I have lived in fear...all my life. The fear that is so strong that sometimes I couldn't help crying in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, just because I was suddenly reminded of my past when I'm trying to sleep.
Then I had to apologise to myself for giving in.

I told myself, no more. But who am I to deny God's plan for me. I do believe He gives me tests to see how I would react. He loves me. He gives me such fragile heart so I won't be as cold as ice. He made me so sensitive to the outside world so that I would be safe.

But I am like a cracked plate. At one glance, I seem strong and able to hold myself from breaking. But at another glance, just one push would break me.

So please handle me with care.

I.A.

I'm like a...

If I need to describe how I am right now, I would say...

I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, and it would only take one horrible moment to shove me down.

I'm like a piece of paper, right next to a burning candle. And I can bursts into flame in a matter of seconds. 

I'm like a little cube of ice. Left out in the hot air. And I would disappear when you're not looking. 

I'm like a love song. The kind that you can hear all day when you're in love. But you would hate when you're not.

I'm like air. I can be seen but unseen.

I.A.

Post-Raya Stories Part 2

Assalamualaikum, everyone!

Yeah, so the other day, I promised to continue my Raya Stories aite? (tak adalah janji pun, saje je). Well, baru la ni, ada kesempatan nak complete kan. Anyhoo, ceritanye xadalah sgt, but the pics are a lot! without further ado, here they are.

Ini my family. My mum anak sulung. I'm the one in red. That's my lil' brother Shah,
and my lil' sis Nana. Abang aku tak ada coz dia keje. Kesian dia. 

These are my mom's siblings, merangkap pakcik makcik aku.
Yang tengah tu my dearest opah. :)

Ini family adik mak aku yg 2nd. Aku panggil dia makngah.
Nampak pemalu, tp klu bukak mulut dia sgt funny. haha.

Ini plak family pakcik aku, adik mak aku yang ke 3. Aku panggil Abi.
Dia ni tak payah cakap la, kalau buat lawak, mmg gelak tak cukup nafas. haha.

This is adik my mom yang ke 5. Aunty yang aku paling rapat sekali.
I call her maklang. Dia sgt fun and kelakar. Sama la jgk macam
husband dia tu, mmg sporting gila.

And this is my last aunt. Adik bongsu my mom. I call her, maksu obviously.
hehe. Rapat jugak ngn dia. Dia sgt kelakar, and sporting. Memang fun lah.
Tp paksu aku tu, tak banyak ckp sgt. TT

Okay, mesti korang tertanya mana nombor 4? haha, aku ada makcik lg sorang, tp aku pun baru perasan gmbar family dia takdak. Tak dapat intro sini. But in the first pic, she's in red tudung.

Moving on.

So these are all my cousie. 4 orang tak ada.
Front: Ajim, Icha, Awyn & Aina
Centre: Nadia, Nana, Opah, Me & Dayana
 Back: Shah, Basyar, Solihin, Danial, Fizudin, Firdaus & Aiman
Not in the Pic: My brother Syafiq, Zhafri, Raika & Rifki.

Groufie with cousie. Yeah, aku sgt rapat dgn cousins aku. 

And yes, family aku sgt suka bergambar. Pantang nampak camera.
Banyak lg gmbar tp ini je yang aku pilih. :)

Tiap kali raya, mesti ada gmbar style macam bajet celebrity.
hahaha. Ada byk gmba, but I love this one. :)

So yeah, basically that's all there is to it. I love them all. For me, family is the greatest thing. So treasure it wherever you go, wherever you are. 

Yang tak ada tu, aku letak later lah. Kena cari gambar. :)

Okay, so that's all!

I.A.

Next Time.

Kertas

as far as the wind will take me.

Assalamualaikum ya sahabi.

Lama aku tak berwarkah disini. Dan aku cuma menulis ini pun sebab aku tak boleh tidur. Hati rasa tak sedap. Tak tenang. Mungkin ada dimana2 silap aku dengan Allah ataupun manusia.

Mungkin itu sebabnya aku takut nak rasa gembira. Sebab hampir setiap kali aku gembira, pasti akan ada dugaan datang. Tapi jangan salah sangka, tak bermakna aku tidak mensyukuri nikmat kegembiraan itu sewaktu ia datang.

Jujurnya, memang aku terasa sedih. Sedih tentang apa? jika bersedih itu pastilah ada dugaannya. Wah, Allah masih sayangi aku, dan itu buktinya. Diberikan aku dugaan setinggi...oh, taklah setinggi mana. Kecil saja berbanding orang lain di luar sana.

Tapi, oleh kerana kita yang mengalaminya, kita rasakan yang dugaan itu tersangat berat. Cuma didalam dunia kita sajalah.

Aku pernah terbaca satu kata-kata: "Allah tidak marah kita ingat akan Dia sewaktu susah. Tetapi Allah marah jika kita lupakan Dia sewaktu Dia sudah kurniakan kesenangan pada kita selepas itu." Ayatnya lebih kurang begitulah.

Dan entah kenapa, aku terasa. Yalah, siapa makan cili dia terasa pedasnya.

Memang setiap kali aku dalam kesusahan, aku akan mencariNya. Tapi bila aku senang, aku ketawa sampai lalai. Pastinya aku tidak solo dalam hal ini kan? ><

Macam mana nak tabahkan hati? kalau ujian yang sikit pun tak boleh tahan? Allah takkan uji hambaNya jika mereka tak dapat menanganinya kan.

Aku perasan, aku sangat suka tersenyum. Tapi aku benci diri sendiri, sebab dalam hati aku menangis. Hipokrit sungguh! Ramai orang kata, mereka yang paling gembiralah paling sedih. Contohnya, badut Pagliacci. Google lah siapa dia. Ataupun, mendiang Robin Williams yang kita semua kenali melalui filem2 dia yang kelakar.

Dan mereka ini selalunya sangat 'fragile.' Bila-bila masa boleh putus asa. Jangan risau, InsyaAllah, aku tidak begitu. Itu gunanya ada Agama dan Iman. Tapi, tidak bermakna Iman aku setinggi gunung juga.
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Dan, kadang-kadang, orang yang aku sakiti pun boleh buat aku rasa sedih. Dalam tahun ni je, ramai yang aku lukakan. Siapa mereka, tak perlu tahu. Tapi ketahuilah, semua yang berlaku tu, aku langsung tak jangka akan berlaku.

Typical. Bila sesuatu yang buruk berlaku, maka akan keluarlah ayat "aku tak berniat nak..." jawapan selamat, sebab taknak bertanggungjawab kan.

Tapi, itu juga yang aku takutkan. Takut jika, walaupun aku sudah meminta maaf, dan kononnya semua sudah selesai, tapi dalam hati hanya Allah yang tahu. Macam mana kalau mereka masih belum maafkan aku seikhlasnya? Macam mana takdir aku di alam sana nanti? itu yang aku sedihkan.

Tapi. Ah...tapi lagi. Penuh alasan aku ni. Normal.

Tak apalah. apa yang penting, bila diuji, jangan cepat melatah, dan marah2. Sifat syaitan laknatullah tu semua. Bila marah, kalau tak ada benda yang baik2 untuk diucapkan, diam saja. Tapi jangan tunjuk melalui kelakuan pulak.

Satu entry yang penuh perasaan. Utk pagi ini. Semoga Allah kuatkan aku menghadapi ujian pada waktu ini dan di masa akan datang. Aaamin.

p/s: agak2 kenapa tajuk aku 'kertas'?

I.A.