Tired and other disasters.

Assalamualaikum readers.

I'm tired and exhausted. I'm moving to a new house tomorrow, (which I only knew in such short notice) and the whole process is really taking its toll on me. With my work and all. But I believe in doing the best I can to make sure I complete my 'amanah' - in this case; my work. So, regardless of how busy or tired I am, I will get it done. Even if I have to sleep way past 3 a.m in the morning and sometimes not sleep at all.

It doesn't help that I feel like something is wrong with my relationship with other people. So in the past few days, I've been screaming (literally) while I'm doing my work, punching the table, eating lesser than I usually do (though this one might be a good thing, hehe) sending out false smiles, and constantly holding back the tears - when I suddenly think about it.

I am bad at managing what to feel and what not to feel. In short, I just feel too much, over-think a lot. and feeling bad over so many things. And most of the times, when I'm feeling drained like right now, I'd always feel compelled to write poems. Hence, 8 poems in 5 days.

In all truth, I am trying my best. To what? I don't know, trying my best to get through it all I guess. It's hard. Really really hard. But I know I can get through it because I had gone through something even worse. And I believe - again - that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that's enough for me to feel better. Stat!

I.A

Things that look simple but BIG

Assalamualaikum. Yes, there are times when we feel like that. "Just quietly hating" someone or something. Especially if you're a coward like me. Why coward? Because I can never show someone I hate what they're doing. Because I have this heart that are just so damn soft. So soft that an intolerable hatred or anger I feel can disappear in matter of seconds just by seeing that person's face. It's happened to me countless times.

Can't say I hate this particular trait of mine. If anything, I feel glad. Because I know, no matter how bad I think I am, at least I would never shout to someone else. I'll try the best I could not to offend someone. Say thank you where necessary. And smile to even strangers. Because I'm just like that.

And likewise, when I do something good, I don't expect anything much, just some recognition. Like if I hold the door for someone, or help move something out of someone's way, etc...

I do get that sometimes, and feel so happy. Other times, people don't bother. And just like that, when someone offend me, I would like him or her to apologise. No, I'm not being cocky or proud. But let me explain. They say that negative feelings can be contagious. And I agree. Have you ever seen you friends pulling a face on you because of some reasons that you don't even know? Yes. How do you feel? You feel bad either. 

So when you feel bad, you tend to think about nasty stuff. Or worse, actually saying those nasty stuff out loud. Tak pasal2 buat dosa kering kan. Tetiba keluar BM haha. Sebab aku tak tahu dosa kering dalam BI apa. Dry sin??? -_-"

Anyhoo, my point is, if that someone who hurts your feelings actually say something or do something to show he or she is sorry, then maybe you can keep all those nasty things from coming out of your mouth. 

For example, yesterday, while I was out with my mom, there was this car that switched to our lane at the last minute. Good thing my mom was quick to hit the brakes. We were both about to...yes - say nasty things, when all of a sudden, the guy literally opened his door, and waved at us with an awkward smile. Obviously feeling apologetic by what he had just did. And both of us automatically stopped saying anything else bad. Instead we said, "nasib baik dia lambai, kalau tak dah kutuk tadi." :P

See what I mean? His gesture was simple; he didn't even need to say "I'm sorry." But a simple gesture could avoid such big things. That, ladies and gentlemen, is my point. ^^

So next time, when you feel bad about something just smile. And if you think you did something bad, apologise. You have nothing to lose. 

P/s: No, he didn't open his door while he was driving. We stopped at a traffic light. -_-" 

I.A

A Short Meeting

Assalamualaikum muslimin dan muslimat sekalian. Sila jawab salam. :)

Time for another entry. Dah lama sebenarnya aku nak buat entry ni tapi masa tak ada. Actually, masa tu ada, tapi more like sendiri sebabkan masa tu berlalu bagaikan angin sepoi-sepoi.

What the...

Anyhoo, back to the main point. Ceritanya, on Monday 3rd November, aku kelua jejalan ngan besties Yatie and Adeq. Aceli beberapa minggu sebelumnya kitorang dah try plan nak jejalan sesama on 1st November, tapi memandangkan masing2 dah busy, jadi nak set time, dan semua orang cukup memang tak dapatlah. So kami cancel kan. Tak ada rezeki nak jumpa.

Tapi on Sunday night, my friend tanya aku nak keluar tak. Dorang nak ke UIA tercinta sebab nak settle hal untuk smbung master. Then kitorang bolehlah lepak2. So aku pun memandangkan tak ada kerja...

Wait...siapa percaya memang lurus sangat.

Of course la aku ada kerja, tapi aku dengan suka hati jiwa raga penuh buah, tetap keluar jugak. Ngehe. Sebab aku pikir, bila lagi nak jumpa drg. Tapi rasa berdosa tu memang menggunung. Why? Yalah, kerja boleh pulak tangguh2. Tak baik.

So yeah, story short, esoknya pergilah kami ke UIA. Woah, lain sikit tempat tu sekarang. Aku susah nak cam. Tapi yang penting, keris tu memang tak cantik. Tapi fountain dulu lagi cantik kot. Kbai. Dan aku dah tak ingat lagi jalan nak ke bilik lecturer. Macamlah sebelum ni aku ingat. -_-"

Dapat jugaklah jumpa kawan2 lama, tapi berapa kerat je pun. Anyhoo, after that, kitorang terus shoot ke KL Festival. Katanya masing2 nak makan kat Korea...ngeh. Jadi pergilah kami ke Seoul Garden. Sebenarnya, aku tak berapa suka makan jenis steamboat ni, sbb aku makan sikit. Konon. Jadi, untuk restoran yang bayar, then eat-all-you-want ni, macam membazir gila-gila untuk aku.

Dan seperti biasalah, time tgh lapar macam anak singa tu, aku ambik makanan tak ingat dunia, jadiknya, still berlaku juga pembaziran. Rugi, tak ada set bayi.

Dan, yalah, kalau dengan kawan2 aku ni, tak bergambar sakan mmg tak sah. So kitorang pun snap la bebanyak. First time tgk orang pakai monopod live. So agak jakun sket kat situ. Ngahaha~
These are some of them:

At UIA. Yeah, sempat lagi time tgh sibuk2 tu.

I took this one. She liked it. haha.

Big smiles. :)

Like this one!

Posing semua sama je walaupun tukar tempat. Meh~

So yeah, banyak jugak snap, tapi masalahnya semuanya posing sama dan muka je lain2. -_-"
Tapi ada gak satu kejadian kelakar. Well, aku lah yang kelakarnya. Aku duduk kat sebelah adeq (tudung bunga2) kat bahagian luar. Time tengah duduk sibuk makan tu, ttibe dia nak pi amek aiskrim. Sitting dia tu kan jenis yang orang duduk bahagian luar kena bangun supaya orang duduk kat dalam boleh keluar. Lihat gambar ni:

Aku sempat amek gmba nak tunjuk bukti. HAHA.

Aku duduk kat situ, dan dengan konfidennye, aku ingatkan sit aku tu panjang sambung dgn sit sebelah. Aku pun slide jela nak keluar. Jadinya apa lagi, jatuh terduduklah aku kat lantai. Baik punya aku terjerit skit... Dan seperti biasalah, kalau kawan terbaik ni, memang akan gelak dulu baru tolong kan? Tapi kawan2 aku ni terbaik dia lebih sket. Dorang gelak je, tp langsung tak tolong. Cis! Tapi sebab aku cepat2 terus bangun. Malu siot. Even though time tu tak ramai orang. Kahkah!

Tapi dahsyat betol lah dorang gelak time tu. Memang macam tak ingat dunia. Termasuklah aku sekali. HEH. So anyway, bila aku nak bayar balik pada Adeq lepas tu, dia kata dorang belanja aku sempena aku bertunang. Awww so sweet la you guys! I love you guys so much! And hope dapat lepak sesama lagi.

Anyhoo, that was all. Terubat rindu jugak even tak onnie tak ada. ><"

xoxo
I.A.

We're no Superman

So many times have I felt that maybe I'm not human. I say I don't care when all I do is care too much. I say I'm okay but deep inside I feel like I can explode at any moment. I do things to show people I am strong, but damn, I'm not.

How ironic. The things that make me feel like I'm not human are the things that show I am.

Am I strong? People say I am. And though I would love to believe them, I know I'm not. Saying I am would be a big lie. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not being strong. I'm not Superman; I'm not obliged to be strong, nor that I am to be shock-proof.

But maybe we are not meant to be strong. Imagine what the world would be like if there are just too many strong people. No heartache, no worries, no pain, no misery. Everything would just be wrong and all over the place. Regardless, that doesn't mean we can't be. We can turn it on if we want to. If our will is strong. But how many of you can proudly say you're going to be strong and actually try to be?

Don't lie. Bad things that happened to us never really go away. They stay with us and follow us everywhere we go. It's just hiding for a moment. There is no such thing as moving on. Just when you think you've accepted it, embraced it, and forgotten about it, but when someone points it back to you, that pain will come back in your head like a raging river. And you know it.

Because that is what is happening to me. But...

If you're not strong then how are you still here? Still going about your day as if nothing had happened. Yes, the pain is still there, but you're holding on. And that is proof that you are trying.

I.A.

The things that are hard to explain

Assalamualaikum everyone,

Phew, it's been one hectic week. But let that be a story for another time okay? Yes, I'm still recovering. I have been trying to sneeze all day. And my brain hurts. Yes, my brain. :P

There's so much to tell. But I'm an unorganised person. Those of you who know me, will understand. If you are given the privilege to go on a tour in my brain, then you'd be lost forever. Things are all over the place, without time and date. Without labels and...I have to say, importance.

So I'm gonna start with the first thing I wanted to do since last week - to write this entry.

Has anyone ever asked you to describe yourself? Of course. I bet everyone had been asked that at least once. In my case, lots of times. And every time I hear that question, I'll go blank. Everything I know (or at least I thought I do) about myself will disappear. I'll stutter and stammer. I had to take a moment to think. And there were even times when I don't even know what to say.

And that is odd, because how can you not know who you are? A question so easy shouldn't be so difficult to answer. A two-word question; so simple and so straightforward. So why?

The thing is, for me, though that question seems easy, it's the toughest question I could ever answer. Yes, I don't know who I am. And if I did answer the question, I'm not actually describing myself, but only the person I wish to be.

Have you noticed when people ask you that question, some of the answers would almost always include; "People say...bla, bla, bla..."

'People say...people say...' hum...does that mean they know us better than we know ourselves? Perhaps.

And though I have lived for 25 years and 4 months, I still have no idea who I am. The best answer I could come up with would just be - 'I'm just me.'

And recently, I came across an article written by Kovie Biakolo. His article made me raised my eyebrows. I was fazed at his accuracy of describing why people, (or at least for me) who are used to be by themselves, are the way they are . The title of his article is '17 things to expect when you date a girl who's used to being on her own.' Here's the link.

But I think, it's not just for guys. For me, I think they apply to everyone around me. Why I am how I am regardless of who the person is.

So I hope you'd understand that this is me. And that I can't say otherwise.

I.A.

Please Don't

I've walked far. I've reached so much. I've loved everything and everyone. And also lost some.

I used to promise myself I will never cry again. I want to be happy. I have spent so many years buried in tears. Almost drowned at one point. But I don't want to be too happy either because there will always come something bad and wash it all away. Almost always like that.

Yes. I am afraid. I have lived in fear...all my life. The fear that is so strong that sometimes I couldn't help crying in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, just because I was suddenly reminded of my past when I'm trying to sleep.
Then I had to apologise to myself for giving in.

I told myself, no more. But who am I to deny God's plan for me. I do believe He gives me tests to see how I would react. He loves me. He gives me such fragile heart so I won't be as cold as ice. He made me so sensitive to the outside world so that I would be safe.

But I am like a cracked plate. At one glance, I seem strong and able to hold myself from breaking. But at another glance, just one push would break me.

So please handle me with care.

I.A.

I'm like a...

If I need to describe how I am right now, I would say...

I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, and it would only take one horrible moment to shove me down.

I'm like a piece of paper, right next to a burning candle. And I can bursts into flame in a matter of seconds. 

I'm like a little cube of ice. Left out in the hot air. And I would disappear when you're not looking. 

I'm like a love song. The kind that you can hear all day when you're in love. But you would hate when you're not.

I'm like air. I can be seen but unseen.

I.A.