I Can't...

I.Miss.You

end.

So sick of believing I am. So I'm

SHUTTING DOWN.

Me now.

Mistakes

Assalamualaikum.

Feeling melancholic tonight. Well, actually more like confused. Yeah, that's it. With what? Everything. Mostly me. I feel like an alien. So bizarre and odd and...words alike.

Tak tahulah kenapa, tapi aku selalu rasa yang dunia ni tak wujud. Yang aku tak wujud. Semua ni cuma dalam kepala otak aku je. Serius. Memang kadang2 bila aku terfikir, aku terpaksa tutup mata dan rasa everything supaya aku boleh yakin aku real. Memang pelik kan?

Dan lagi satu, aku selalu rasa orang boleh baca fikiran aku. Yeah, literally. Bukan figuratively. Aku rasa semua yang aku fikir, orang lain boleh dengar. Macam dalam cerita Jepun 'Satorare' (sila google). Tapi of course lah itu semua tak betul. Aku real dan orang lain tak boleh dengar apa aku fikir. Kalau orang boleh dengar, takdelah orang susah nak faham aku ni macam mana. Dan selalu rasa frust sebab tu. Betul tak?

Dan semua 'pain' yang aku rasa ni terlalu real untuk aku jadi tak real. Faham tak? ><

Memang aku tak macam orang lain. Terlalu lain. Otak aku pun tak sama macam perempuan lain. And even if some can accept that, others just find it too hard to handle. Tapi aku sayang diri aku. Attitude aku, sikap aku. All of it. And mostly, aku macam ni sebab macam mana aku membesar, dan dibesarkan. Ada yang aku tak suka, tapi ada jugak yang aku rasa bersyukur sebab ada.

Aku bukan ulama. Atau ustazah. Walaupun masa belajar UIA, ramai orang doa (cakap) "woah...ustazah la ni." Tapi hakikatnya tak. Parents aku pun bukan ustaz ustazah jugak. Tapi drg dah ajar aku apa yang perlu. Sampai aku boleh fikir sendiri mana baik, mana buruk. Not to say yang aku ni hebat or baik gila dari orang lain. Tak. Aku bnyak sifat buruk.

Masih suka bergosip walaupun selalu rasa berdosa.
Kadang2 bersangka buruk dgn orang.
Selalu fikir yang jahat2 kalau ada benda tak puas hati.
Tolong orang kadang2 sebab terpaksa.
Banyak merungut. Membebel je kerja.
Selalu buat silap, tapi payah nak belajar dari silap tu.
Dan bla. bla. bla.

Aku tahu. Tapi aku tengah berusaha jadi lebih baik. Semua tu, kalau boleh aku nak elakkan. Nak berubah. Bukan sebab orang lain, tapi sebab diri dan Allah. Tapi of course, nak berubah ni mesti susah kan? Sebab kita rasa, semua tu dah sebati dalam diri. Macam habit. Jadi untuk tinggalkan mesti rasa something yang tak kena. Kadang2 terlupa, lepas tu buat balik.

Macam mana nak istiqamah? Mungkin sebab ibadat belum cukup perfect. Yelah, solat cegah kemungkaran. Tapi kalau still buat jugak, maknanya mst ada smtg wrong. ><

Aku selalu fikir pasal mati. Nak2 bila bnyk sgt buat dosa kan. Takut sangat. Macam mana kalau Allah ambil nyawa aku time aku tulis entry ni? Or time tidur nanti? Or esok? Lusa? Takut. Sebab apa? Sebab tau diri tak perfect nak pergi mengadap Allah. Rasa malu.

Belum cukup dan takkan cukup berbakti pada mak ayah.
Dengan kawan2 pun macam selalu terasa hati.
Apatah lagi dengan strangers.
Hubungan dengan manusia tak betul lagi.
Padahal itu yang paling penting.

Mana lagi bagus? Tak tahu bila nak mati? Atau tahu? Jawapannya sama. Dua2 ada pros and cons. Tapi kalau tahu, ramai la orang yang berpusu2 nak buat ibadat bnyk2 kan? Manusia.

Nah, entry penuh pnyesalan sebab tak boleh tidur sebab rasa bersalah sebab sesuatu yang tak dapat diketahui. Selamat malam.

I.A.

Tired and other disasters.

Assalamualaikum readers.

I'm tired and exhausted. I'm moving to a new house tomorrow, (which I only knew in such short notice) and the whole process is really taking its toll on me. With my work and all. But I believe in doing the best I can to make sure I complete my 'amanah' - in this case; my work. So, regardless of how busy or tired I am, I will get it done. Even if I have to sleep way past 3 a.m in the morning and sometimes not sleep at all.

It doesn't help that I feel like something is wrong with my relationship with other people. So in the past few days, I've been screaming (literally) while I'm doing my work, punching the table, eating lesser than I usually do (though this one might be a good thing, hehe) sending out false smiles, and constantly holding back the tears - when I suddenly think about it.

I am bad at managing what to feel and what not to feel. In short, I just feel too much, over-think a lot. and feeling bad over so many things. And most of the times, when I'm feeling drained like right now, I'd always feel compelled to write poems. Hence, 8 poems in 5 days.

In all truth, I am trying my best. To what? I don't know, trying my best to get through it all I guess. It's hard. Really really hard. But I know I can get through it because I had gone through something even worse. And I believe - again - that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that's enough for me to feel better. Stat!

I.A

Things that look simple but BIG

Assalamualaikum. Yes, there are times when we feel like that. "Just quietly hating" someone or something. Especially if you're a coward like me. Why coward? Because I can never show someone I hate what they're doing. Because I have this heart that are just so damn soft. So soft that an intolerable hatred or anger I feel can disappear in matter of seconds just by seeing that person's face. It's happened to me countless times.

Can't say I hate this particular trait of mine. If anything, I feel glad. Because I know, no matter how bad I think I am, at least I would never shout to someone else. I'll try the best I could not to offend someone. Say thank you where necessary. And smile to even strangers. Because I'm just like that.

And likewise, when I do something good, I don't expect anything much, just some recognition. Like if I hold the door for someone, or help move something out of someone's way, etc...

I do get that sometimes, and feel so happy. Other times, people don't bother. And just like that, when someone offend me, I would like him or her to apologise. No, I'm not being cocky or proud. But let me explain. They say that negative feelings can be contagious. And I agree. Have you ever seen you friends pulling a face on you because of some reasons that you don't even know? Yes. How do you feel? You feel bad either. 

So when you feel bad, you tend to think about nasty stuff. Or worse, actually saying those nasty stuff out loud. Tak pasal2 buat dosa kering kan. Tetiba keluar BM haha. Sebab aku tak tahu dosa kering dalam BI apa. Dry sin??? -_-"

Anyhoo, my point is, if that someone who hurts your feelings actually say something or do something to show he or she is sorry, then maybe you can keep all those nasty things from coming out of your mouth. 

For example, yesterday, while I was out with my mom, there was this car that switched to our lane at the last minute. Good thing my mom was quick to hit the brakes. We were both about to...yes - say nasty things, when all of a sudden, the guy literally opened his door, and waved at us with an awkward smile. Obviously feeling apologetic by what he had just did. And both of us automatically stopped saying anything else bad. Instead we said, "nasib baik dia lambai, kalau tak dah kutuk tadi." :P

See what I mean? His gesture was simple; he didn't even need to say "I'm sorry." But a simple gesture could avoid such big things. That, ladies and gentlemen, is my point. ^^

So next time, when you feel bad about something just smile. And if you think you did something bad, apologise. You have nothing to lose. 

P/s: No, he didn't open his door while he was driving. We stopped at a traffic light. -_-" 

I.A

A Short Meeting

Assalamualaikum muslimin dan muslimat sekalian. Sila jawab salam. :)

Time for another entry. Dah lama sebenarnya aku nak buat entry ni tapi masa tak ada. Actually, masa tu ada, tapi more like sendiri sebabkan masa tu berlalu bagaikan angin sepoi-sepoi.

What the...

Anyhoo, back to the main point. Ceritanya, on Monday 3rd November, aku kelua jejalan ngan besties Yatie and Adeq. Aceli beberapa minggu sebelumnya kitorang dah try plan nak jejalan sesama on 1st November, tapi memandangkan masing2 dah busy, jadi nak set time, dan semua orang cukup memang tak dapatlah. So kami cancel kan. Tak ada rezeki nak jumpa.

Tapi on Sunday night, my friend tanya aku nak keluar tak. Dorang nak ke UIA tercinta sebab nak settle hal untuk smbung master. Then kitorang bolehlah lepak2. So aku pun memandangkan tak ada kerja...

Wait...siapa percaya memang lurus sangat.

Of course la aku ada kerja, tapi aku dengan suka hati jiwa raga penuh buah, tetap keluar jugak. Ngehe. Sebab aku pikir, bila lagi nak jumpa drg. Tapi rasa berdosa tu memang menggunung. Why? Yalah, kerja boleh pulak tangguh2. Tak baik.

So yeah, story short, esoknya pergilah kami ke UIA. Woah, lain sikit tempat tu sekarang. Aku susah nak cam. Tapi yang penting, keris tu memang tak cantik. Tapi fountain dulu lagi cantik kot. Kbai. Dan aku dah tak ingat lagi jalan nak ke bilik lecturer. Macamlah sebelum ni aku ingat. -_-"

Dapat jugaklah jumpa kawan2 lama, tapi berapa kerat je pun. Anyhoo, after that, kitorang terus shoot ke KL Festival. Katanya masing2 nak makan kat Korea...ngeh. Jadi pergilah kami ke Seoul Garden. Sebenarnya, aku tak berapa suka makan jenis steamboat ni, sbb aku makan sikit. Konon. Jadi, untuk restoran yang bayar, then eat-all-you-want ni, macam membazir gila-gila untuk aku.

Dan seperti biasalah, time tgh lapar macam anak singa tu, aku ambik makanan tak ingat dunia, jadiknya, still berlaku juga pembaziran. Rugi, tak ada set bayi.

Dan, yalah, kalau dengan kawan2 aku ni, tak bergambar sakan mmg tak sah. So kitorang pun snap la bebanyak. First time tgk orang pakai monopod live. So agak jakun sket kat situ. Ngahaha~
These are some of them:

At UIA. Yeah, sempat lagi time tgh sibuk2 tu.

I took this one. She liked it. haha.

Big smiles. :)

Like this one!

Posing semua sama je walaupun tukar tempat. Meh~

So yeah, banyak jugak snap, tapi masalahnya semuanya posing sama dan muka je lain2. -_-"
Tapi ada gak satu kejadian kelakar. Well, aku lah yang kelakarnya. Aku duduk kat sebelah adeq (tudung bunga2) kat bahagian luar. Time tengah duduk sibuk makan tu, ttibe dia nak pi amek aiskrim. Sitting dia tu kan jenis yang orang duduk bahagian luar kena bangun supaya orang duduk kat dalam boleh keluar. Lihat gambar ni:

Aku sempat amek gmba nak tunjuk bukti. HAHA.

Aku duduk kat situ, dan dengan konfidennye, aku ingatkan sit aku tu panjang sambung dgn sit sebelah. Aku pun slide jela nak keluar. Jadinya apa lagi, jatuh terduduklah aku kat lantai. Baik punya aku terjerit skit... Dan seperti biasalah, kalau kawan terbaik ni, memang akan gelak dulu baru tolong kan? Tapi kawan2 aku ni terbaik dia lebih sket. Dorang gelak je, tp langsung tak tolong. Cis! Tapi sebab aku cepat2 terus bangun. Malu siot. Even though time tu tak ramai orang. Kahkah!

Tapi dahsyat betol lah dorang gelak time tu. Memang macam tak ingat dunia. Termasuklah aku sekali. HEH. So anyway, bila aku nak bayar balik pada Adeq lepas tu, dia kata dorang belanja aku sempena aku bertunang. Awww so sweet la you guys! I love you guys so much! And hope dapat lepak sesama lagi.

Anyhoo, that was all. Terubat rindu jugak even tak onnie tak ada. ><"

xoxo
I.A.