The Hard Heart

Assalamualaikum everyone.

Another entry for this Raya month. Masa cepat betol berjalan, sedar tak sedar dah Raya. Tapi jgn misunderstood aku. Aku bukan nak citer pasal citer raya untuk entry ni. Aceli, time aku kt kampung, aku ade impian nak citer, tapi memandangkan aku ade short term memory, aku lupe sume bende best yg jadi time tu. Normal.

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Okay berenti kjap sbb aku tgh pikir, ape tujuan entry ni sebenanye.

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Aceli, seperti entry2 sebelum2 ni, aku akan meluah perasaan jugak utk entry ni. Pernah tak korang kenal sape2 yang mmg hati, or otak ke ape ke, keras macam titanium? Sebab pe aku tak tulis batu? Sbb dalam batu pun ade titanium..ape aku merepek.

Berbalik semula kepada citer original, hati keras. Manusia berhati keras. Orang mcm ni, mmg sangat menyakitkan hati. Serius kalau ko takde pendidikan agama yg kukuh, mmg boleh jadi gila. Aku ni nasib sbb aku bukan nak berlagak tapi aku boleh handle stress. Tapi se terer aku pon, sorang hamba Allah ni mmg boleh buat aku break.

Kadang2, kita igt, wah, kita tak pernah kenal org lain macam org tuh. Tapi sebenanye, ramai je manusia yg di 'built in' dgn attitude similar. SO freaking similar that you can't help but wonder if they are the same person, but were cursed to be separated from each other. 

Sebab ape aku tahu? sbb aku kenal some of them yg mmg otak serupa sgt. Tapi aku fokus pada sorg jer. Aku dah tak tahu macam ne nak handle budak srg ni. Serius dia sgt lain dan pelik. Nasihat yg org bagi, langsung tak amek pot. Buang camtu je dalam tong sampah. Dan die ni mcm ade split personalities. Dengan org lain bukan main baik, pijak semut tak mati. Dengan family sendiri, MasyaAllah. 

Orang cakap itu just a phase. Since he's only 19 dan ade krisis. Tapi dorang tak tahu ape2 boleh la ckp cmtu. 

blerh...aku penat. Die ni dah bnyak kali jadi character dalam entry2 aku. Harap2 cepat lah sedar, bertaubat. Takut nnt terlambat menyesal mmg tak guna la. May Allah be with me. Aamin..

I.A

My Birthday Story

Assalamualaikum makhluk-makhluk sekalian!

Sedar tak sedar dah masuk bulan puasa. Aceli dah lebih a week dah, aku je lambat baru nak citer. Lantaks! Lame aku xberkunjung ke blog ni. Berhabuk abeh sume. Aku fokus bnyk kat blog poetry aku aje. Bias disitu! Jangan salahkan aku, aku kan tanam anggur, bnyk masa dalam tgn, so disebabkan itu mmg hobi aku, jadi baiklah aku buat ajer kan.

Banyak lah bende yg jadi start dari last entry aku kat sini sampai lani...tapi satu hapa pon aku tak ingat. Jadinye aku xdapat lah citer sume. Tp satu citer ni aku akan igt smpai bebila.

29 hb Jun haritu, hari aku keluar...eh, hari aku lahir. Aku tak bape amek pot pon bab2 birthday ni, sbb nye mmg dari aku kecik smpai ke beso panjang lebar ni, tak pnah pon celebrate ke ape. So tgh aku busy layan wishes yang macam air terjun dekat fesbuk, ttibe bakal kakak ipar masuk bilik ckp abang aku gado ngan adik laki aku.

"Ira, abg ngan Shah gadoh camne ni?" katanya.
"Haihhhh" kataku sambil gerak nak pi tgk orang wrestling live! Bleh jd referee jap. heh.

Haa, based on reaksi aku tadi, korang jgn igt aku tak kesah lak abg ngan adik aku nak berperang. Tapi sbb drg ni mmg jenis yang ske berkelahi. Aku dah 'cook'.lol

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(aku berenti type kjap sbb tibe2 aku dga org menjerit dalam kesamaran lagu yg aku tgh dgar, rupenye abg aku tgh menyanyi lagu kuat2. Cissss!)

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Sambung balik, aku pi jenguk la abg ngan adik aku tuh. Memang sungguh drg tgh wrestling! haha. Apehal aku gelak plak ni? Eh, aku pon cuak ahh tapi berjaya maintain cool lagi. Dah bertumbuk2 tuh, tak bole jadi, aku tarik tgn abg aku soh die besabo. Cuak jgak kang aku pulak kene tumbuk.hehe..

Tgh drg bertinju tu, adik ppuan aku Nana masuk bilik smbil bawak pinggan kat tangan. Dalamnye berisi sesuatu berwarna putih. Macam bedak, tapi aku pasti bukan dadah...eyh?!

Now, part ni, kalau org yang laju dan pandai akan terus pikir 

"Woi, kau nak baling tepung kat aku ehhhh!!! Drg ni nak prank aku!"

Tapi dengan dukacitanya dimaklumkan, aku bukanlah seorang yang laju dan...eh aku pandai, tapi slow jer.hehe. jadiknye aku pikir:

"Ehh, Nana nak masak cucor la...." T_T

Aku tak tipu, mmg kepala otak aku pikir macam tuh.......hehe... Ni sume sbb Nana suka grg cucor!

Tapi sejurus kemudian, bende putih dalam pinggan -yg waktu ini kita sume tahu adalah tepung - itu dilempar kepada aku dengan rakusnya oleh mereka sume. Turut serta adalah The Rock & Stone Cold Steve Austin. ----abg ngan adik aku...kuajar. Dan bakal kakak ipar pon turut serta. Mangkukkk.

Dorang baling mmg siyes macam ade hidden grudge somewhere yang aku tak tau kt aku! Baling suka hati riang ria hari raya jer. Cisss! Aku smpai terduduk la. Then drg nyanyi lagu Happy Birthday kat aku. So kurang sket la geram aku. Hehe.. Aku still xleh caye aku kene prank dgn The Rock ngan Stone Cold. Dan lagi tak caye aku bole pcaye dgn lakonan drg tu..

Satu badan aku penuh tepung. Aku ape lagi, baling gak la kat dorang... Dah macam antu rupe aku.haha.

So, takat tu aje prank nyer. Tapi bday wish nye tak abes lagi. Next day, malamnye, kitorang sume pg karok. Dah masuk dlm bilik tuh, mama still xstart nyanyi. Aku soh la nyanyi cpt, die soh tguu The Rock yg dah ilang ntah kemane. Bile The rock masuk je bilik, drg sume nyanyi lagu Happy Birthday lagi skali!

Apehal la drg ni, tahu la sayang aku lebih tapi I malu you...hahaha....xle bla.

The thing is, aku tak kisah pon kalau no celebration or whatsoever. At least people remember me. Dan aku suka kalau org wish and sertakan doa skali. Terima kasih ye korang2!! Semoga Allah membalas kebaikan kamu sume! Aaminn!

The last person on earth aku expect utk wish birthday aku adalah, si pembuli. Atau nama sebenar Kaer. Tibe2 die whatsapp ehhh. Pastu melalut-lalut la dgn pembulian die. Aku seperti biasa terima sume. Tp thanks anyway lah Kaer!

Owh, besties aku pulak, Atie and Ima, al-kisahnye macam pakat je wish bday aku 30 hb. hahaha... Dua2 pakat lupe bday aku ehhh! hehehe...tp xpe, it's the thought that counts! Oh and Atie, u did give me the very super early birthday present kann. So, thank you! hahahaha....

Dan kepada besties lain jugak, Anum, Yatie, Adek, Iyka...thank you korang punye wish!! Love you all so the very much! Okay. itu aje utk hari ini. Dah nak azan. Selamat berbuka ya!!!

p/s: muka kene baling tepung. Baju hitam jadi putih!

I.A

Orange

Taken yesterday evening. Such a beautiful scene. MashaAllah. Upon laying my eyes on it, I saw deep in my crazy, weird, awesome imagination of mine, a huge bird flying across the orange sky. Such a rare sight don't you think? U can see a lot if u look closely and deeply into the world up there. :)

Stupidity

Sometimes you want to believe that someone's changed. Keep telling yourself a lie and hope it'll be true.You actually believed it. You held on to it for so long. And then something bad happened and it destroyed everything. Then you start to wonder, how much longer can you put on the charade... And how long will it take to get that piece of hope into your heart again this time. Humans are very fascinating. No matter how much you're hurt, you can't seem to have enough. Your smile can be your mask, but your heart is dying little by little. And yet, you're not willing to do anything to save it. Not even wanting to take one sip of breath. Willing to die. And then you start to wonder again, how can you be so stupid? so insane? so confused? When the obvious answer lies right under you nose. I guess maybe that's why you can't see it. But none of it matters, because no matter how many times you're hit in the head, the pain has already become a part of you. Then it will all fall back into the same pattern, again and again. Voilà! it's a one big perfect circle... so, lesson's learned? I don't think so.

This is a one mystery that can never be solved.

A Great Life!

Assalamualaikum beautiful creatures of Allah :)

How is everyone? As for me, all I can say is Alhamdulillah, I am very fine. Allah has blessed me with good health ever since I was a child. No major allergies, no low immune system nor terminal disease. Yes people, if you feel blessed with something, say Alhamdulillah. It'll only take a second. Literally. And you will get a reward too, kill 2 birds with one stone!

Yeah, a little bit off topic. What is the topic anyway? I'm kinda..lost.....

Oh yeah, so I'm going to change into the other persona again; the philosopher! Not Harry Potter's Philosopher's stone alright. I feel like I'm wasting half of my time babbling and whining about my so-called miserable life. I mean, my life isn't miserable. Just 'cause one or two things (in my case it's a lot of things) in my life didn't go as I wanted it to, doesn't mean I get to judge.

A little whining and babbling doesn't hurt, but when it gets a little too much, then you got to ask yourself, "what am I doing wrong?!" We're humans. We're flawed. We make mistakes. Bla bla bla.

I can't say I'm going to stop complaining after this particular entry, but at least I'm reflecting. That's what they call it in counseling. It's when you reflect back on your actions and mistakes. No Missy, you are NOT perfect! You should try it once in a while. :)

You know what's hard in life? Knowing you couldn't be what Allah asks you to be. Not because you couldn't get any boyfriend or girlfriend, or if your parents fight every night or got divorced or whatever. We live to please Allah.

Take my mum for example, she is one of the most strongest person I have ever known in my entire life. She is a living proof of a Wonder Woman. She's been fighting her entire life. And she is still fighting without a man to help her. I can never understand what she's been through, being a single mother that she is.

I feel so bad because I don't feel like I'm doing enough to help her. I want to help her. But she won't say anything to us. And that makes me sad. Not knowing what's in my mother's heart. She is right there, within my reach. And yet I can't do anything to catch her. She's not perfect. She whines, she complains, but those are just words to ease her pain. I can understand at least that.

Ok I'm starting to cry. This is what I hate about being a philosopher. So much emotions.

I never told anyone my story - except to a few people close to me. I don't want to be sympathized. But I want people to learn from it. And grow with it. Maybe someday.

I guess that's why I am scared of saying I have a miserable life. Afraid that if I whine too much, Allah might take it away; my lovely family, my dear friends, and unknown strangers. Because, I see that behind every bad things in our lives, lies that one part that is good and amazing. You just have to look deeper. :)

And last of all, I'm not a strong person. I cry, I've shed tears, I cuddle up like a little baby whenever I feel hurt. I just don't do it in front of other people. I don't want them to see me in my fragile state. So I put on a happy face (most of the time I am truly, genuinely happy) and I want them to take a little strength from that happiness for themselves. Even just a little. :)

If you can't find even a single thing to be grateful for, just be grateful you exist. :)

I.A

Memories

What happened to us? All those years just disappear. I miss the old days when we can just say anything, do anything and be anything we want without all those silly dramas, without any emotional breach and sensitivity, without so much as feeling offended by what each other did or said, without anyone telling us this and that... All we had was each other. We were so strong, so happy and so ridiculous - in a great way. Though the ridiculousness remains, the rests are no where to be seen. And it'd forced me to ask, what happened to us?

P/s: feeling sad all of a sudden. Gosh, I miss everyone :(

Dream Guy

Assalamualaikum everyone~~

Aku da delete about 5 posts. Serabut ah bile tgk. Baik delete jer. Tak suka lah emo2 ni. :)

So, kelmarin aku sibuk la google2 action and horror movies yg best utk ditonton la kan. Then aku terjumpe la cite ni, Midnight Meat Train, cite horror lah kan, tgk tajuk pun. Tgk main actor die Bradley Cooper. Seems legit. Tapi aku tak tgk pun, sakit jiwa baca komen manusia2 kat youtube time aku cari trailer die. Bajet mcm pengarah hebat sgt, cuba ko try buat satu filem, macam terer sgt nak kritik. Adeh~

Ok, dah menyimpang. Aku bukan nk cite pasal movie tuh, tapi pasal mimpi aku mlm tadi. Wahaha, lawak gile...so apehal aku mention movie tuh? Sbb main actor dlm mimpi aku Bradley Cooper lah jugak. Hahaha.. Hangpa jgn nak gelak2 sgt eh. Bukan nye aku nak perasan, dah die nak berlakon dlm mimpi aku nak wat camno. Kikiki~~

Dah nama pun mimpi, mmg bnyk yg tak masuk akal lah. Tapi plot die cenggini. Aku ngan srg girl ni, baru kenal asenye, kluar hangout, and nak pg double date. Aku al kisahnye tak kenal sape date tuh. So kitorang jalan2 satu mall tuh nk cari tmpat tu. Tgh aku jalan2 nmpak pulak kawan aku si Hafiz Kamarulzaman! Apehal nyibuk dlm mimpi aku ni...hah! Buat cameo pulak....cis. Tp takat nmpak jelah, die takde line dlm tuh..haha.

Tgh jalan2 nk pg tmpat makan tuh, aku terus nmpak Bradley Cooper! Adeh, mak aii, hensem kot. Aku dlm hati best gile klu die blind date tuh. haha. Tgk2 mmg die pun! and ade lagi srg guy, aku dapat rasekan die nerd, pakai spek. So basically, 2 guys and 2 girls la. Dah jumpe ktrg duduk la kt tmpat mkn tuh. Aku tak dapat nk pastikan ktrg ckp Melayu ke Omputih..haha. Tapi klaka klu Bradley Cooper ckp Melayu.. ngahaha!

Tgh cakap2 tuh, aku and the girl tu nak pg sembahyang. Alhamdulillah, still igt lagi even dalam mimpi.heh. So ktrg pun pg lah. Time jalan nak pg surau, aku tnye girl tu nama die ape, die ckp Sarah. Ntah sape jadah Sarah, aku tak kenal dlm mimpi, mahupun diluar.haha. Pastu die tnye umur aku, aku tnye la rase2 bape? Die ckp aku umur 20 tahun. Hahahaha....whoever you are Sarah, thanks! Aku dah 24 yer. Dapat muda 4 tahun tuh. Kikiki~~

So, smpai kat surau ktrg pun sembahyang lah. And then....tamat. Hahaha...tak best gile ending cenggitu. Dah la conversation dgn Bradley Cooper langsung aku tak igt!! Sabar aje lah. T_T


Kesian kat nerd tu, dah la tak igt rupe die cmne, nama pun taktau.heh..
Agak2 ade sequel x? Klu ade aku tnye nama die yer. hahahaha.... perasan ya ampun!~

Pada yg tak kenal sape Bradley Cooper, ni ha. This is how he looked like dlm mimpi aku. Sebijik! Hensom tak hensom...weh. Aku siap bole igt lg cmne feelings mse nmpak die tuh. :)

p/s: asenye nmpak awk jugak wahai onnie...time dlm surau.haha. Cameo gak yer. :P

I.A